The Alan Fallon Chronicles Read online

is not the point. The point is that she wanted something ‘young and exciting’. FOR HER HUSBAND! Young and exciting is kinky. Old and reliable, stinky!”

  Alan considered these points for a few moments. There was probably some truth in what Toby said, but he was reluctant to exaggerate his being just to get some dates. “There is such a thing as integrity and honour.”

  “Honour, Shmoner!” (Toby sometimes reverted to bizarre vernacular). You are seeking a date. You are not telling lies at the altar! Get a date and allow your inherent qualities to shine through as time unfolds. Win her interest, and then win her heart.”

  “Right, I’m going to leave ‘as is’, and change it after a period of time if nothing materializes. Women are not a homogenous group. There are all kinds, all shades, all outlooks. I’ll try this way and change later, if need be.” It was clear that Alan was determined on this point.

  “OK. Obviously, this has to be a time-consuming, futile exercise for you. Let’s proceed to the next section.”

  “Right. This is the ‘IDEAL MATCH’ bit.”

  “Right. Unless there is some overwhelming perversion in your soul which requires someone with a particular hair colour, or skin tone, or some other physical feature, put ‘any’ for most of the options. Including age.”

  “Including age!?”

  “Yes. Age is merely a number, and it gives no insight into the character, demeanour, spirit or soul of a person. You can get the fat and ugly at any age. Look at yourself; you have been an infant, a child, a teenager, a 20something, and someone in his thirties, and you’ve always been ugly. So, put either no age limits or a very, very wide set of parameters. Let’s face it, you need to cast your net as wide as possible!”

  “Thank you for that frank and helpful vote of confidence. You ponce. Now, let’s get on with it. Probably, in the light of the gentle wisdom you have recently bestowed upon me, the only things that matter are location and home language.”

  “Correct. You don’t want to be travelling miles for a hopeless date. And you want someone fluent in the two languages that you speak fluently, namely English and Rubbish.” This section was quickly filled in, and the two friends were able to move quickly to the next part. “This is the ‘NARRATIVES’ bit. ‘Why should people get to know you’. This is the real meat.”

  “Yes, sadly. This is the most difficult part for you. Why, indeed, should anyone, anyone, ever want to get to know you, of all people? This is the real challenge; to commit something to paper which is truish, and yet might still attract a live human female.” This was accompanied by a well-used show of histrionics from Toby; head in hands, then thrown into the air in a gesture of hopeless.

  “Stop being a prat and tell me what you think are my best points.”

  There was silence for almost a minute. “Well?” Alan was getting a bit angry by now.

  “Well what?”

  “What are my best points?”

  “I’ve just told you.”

  “You said nothing.”

  “Exactly!”

  “Very droll, Toby. Trouble is, there is only me here, and I’ve heard this script before ad nauseum. It is not the hilarious diatribe you think it is. It was only mildly funny the first time, when Jesus was a lad. Look, it is nearly time for kick off, so stop mucking about.”

  Indeed, it was nearly time for the football to start so they agreed to get on with the narratives.

  I AM FIT, YOUNG-AT-HEART AND ADAPTABLE, WITH A BROAD-MINDED OUTLOOK AND A LIVELY INTEREST IN PEOPLE. ANIMALS ARE NOT MY FAVOURITE COMPANIONS, BUT I FIND THEM INTERESTING AND A SOURCE OF JOY AND AMUSEMENT PROVIDED THEY ARE AT ARMS LENGTH. I HAVE AN INTERESTING CAREER AND COLLEAGUES WITH WHOM I SHARE MUTUAL RESPECT (I THINK….). I LIKE TO TRAVEL, ENTERTAIN AND GENERALLY ENJOY THE WONDERS OF THIS MARVELLOUS WORLD. I SEEK A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP AND HOPE THAT I NEVER STOP LEARNING. IF ANY OF THIS RESONATES WITH YOU DON’T WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO MAKE CONTACT? WE COULD EXCHANGE ANY NUMBER OF EMAILS AND STILL NOT DISCOVER WHETHER THERE IS THE ESSENTIAL CHEMISTRY. ONLY A FACE-TO-FACE MEETING CAN ESTABLISH THAT POSSIBILITY. I WILL BE WEARING MY LEOPARDSKIN TIE!

  “Do you need the bit about the leopard-skin tie?”

  This was a good sign. This was included to enable Toby to fulfil his need to object. The fact he had objected to this wholly dispensable reference indicated that the narrative was OK. “I had intended to refer to my gold lame jock strap!”

  Toby grimaced. “OK, leave in the tie bit.”

  “Now. ‘My ideal match’. This really is tricky.”

  “Just think of a previous girlfriend, the one you regret losing most, and describe her.”

  “I can’t believe it is as simple as that. I suspect that ladies do not judge whether they themselves are an ‘ideal’ match, but judge you, the author, on the things you seem to think are most important. Imagine if you said, to take an extreme example, that you wanted someone with lots of money. That would not appeal to anyone, even someone with lots of money. Especially not to someone with lots of money.”

  “Point taken and a point well made. In that case I suggest you include some qualities which most people think they have, and just hope that you will get replies from those impressed by your self-description. ‘PrimePartners.com’ does operate globally so you may get a handful of replies.”

  “I have a particularly unusual solution to the problem of the ‘ideal’ match. Its unusualness lies in its brevity.”

  KINDNESS. EMPATHY.

  Toby considered this for a few minutes, while Alan selected the sports channel, and fetched some snacks and a few more beers from the kitchen. He returned to his seat, awaiting the storm of protest and ridicule he anticipated from Toby.

  “That’s pretty damn effective. No twaddle, no preconceived judgements, no prejudice. If you are right that people judge you from your requirements, you might need two hands to count the number of replies you get. That should do. Now, come on City.”

  Fifty minutes later it was half time in the football match. It had not gone well for City, but there was still hope. Alan switched on his laptop and found an email from PrimePartners.com. It seems that the profile and images of Alan were acceptable, had now been published, and were visible to other ‘subscribers’. He informed Toby of this, and logged into the website and onto his own page. He then hesitated for a few moments. He had somehow to inform Toby, hopefully without provoking a storm of anguished protest, that there had been seven viewings of his profile, and he had received five messages.

  Dear Reader,

  I hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse into the life and times of Alan Fallon. This may have been fiction. Or, it may have been fact….

  Two other books I have written are, definitely, fiction. Please have a look at them, below, to see if they may be of interest to you or your family. They are Codename Hotel, and The Islamist Republic of America.

  DT

  THE ISLAMIst REPUBLIC

  OF AMERICA

  A novel by

  DAVID TRAVELYAN